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secrets

My last miscarriage was 5 years ago.  3 years later, I shifted my business toward helping women recover emotionally and spiritually from grief following a miscarriage. Since then, I’ve been holding in a few secrets.  

These secrets have been weighing heavily on my mind because they’re itching to get out.  That itch is my intuition.  It’s my higher self.  Urging me to do what’s best.  Sometimes the very thing you’re most afraid to tell is exactly what you need to find the courage to say.  And it’s because there’s someone who needs to hear it.

Today, I’m opening up my heart and sharing all. It’s not just one thing I need to tell you.  It’s three. 

I was afraid to tell you that I’m still childless.

I was afraid because you might not want to listen to what I have to say about healing from a miscarriage and/or infertility.  You might think, “well she never had children, what does she know about preparing for your next pregnancy when she never got to carry to term?”. 

I was afraid to tell because you may think that I’m past it all.  That I can no longer empathize with you wanting children so badly. 

I was afraid to tell you because you may pity me. I never got my baby.  

But I’m telling you now because I want you to know now that we decided not to have children in the end.  And not because we didn’t want them.  We did.  I’m telling you this because I want you to know that it’s okay to decide not to have children.  Or to not have more children in the case that you already have one or more.

Society will have you believe that having children is the only normal way.  And if you have one, it’ll have you believe that you should have more.  And if you have 4, or “heaven-forbid”, 5 or more, it’ll tell you you’re crazy.   

What it took me a long time to realize is that I don’t have to do what society tells me to do.  I stopped listening to everyone else AND stopped worrying about how I was going to fit into the world without kids.  My husband and I realized that we could create a life we love.  

There was another reason we decided not to have kids in a moment.

I was afraid to tell you that sometimes I regret not moving forward with IVF.   

We were at the point where the doctor was recommending using a donor egg with IVF and we really struggled with the decision not to move forward.  It was expensive.  So expensive.  And that was one reason we didn’t do it. 

And because of that, I was afraid you would think that a baby wasn’t worth 50 K to me. That a little person just didn’t mean that much to me.  I was afraid that would make me a bad person.  But of course it doesn’t. 

 I was also afraid that you would think that I didn’t try hard enough.  And that’s exactly how I feel sometimes.  That maybe I didn’t try hard enough. We could have come up with the money.  I could have convinced my lukewarm husband if I really took a stand and showed him I wanted it.  And yet, I didn’t.  We didn’t.

Regardless of my fears about what you might think of me, I also want you to know that it can get to be too much. 

I had already gone through so many needles and ultrasounds and doctors appointments for my miscarriages.  And then did it all over again for fertility treatments.  I spent hours in the car going to doctor’s appointments.  And the constant decision-making! 

I was tired.  Tired of it all.  And It’s okay to admit that.  It’s okay to be tired of it all.  It’s okay to give up.  This was the other reason we decided not to have children. 

I was afraid to tell you that it still hurts sometimes.

98% of the time I feel good.  But even after 5 years and much healing work, I still sometimes feel sad. I still wonder what my life would be like if I had my babies alive with me (they would now be 7, 5 and 4).  I still sometimes feel that emptiness.  I’m still sometimes triggered by a birth announcement or a mom complaining about motherhood.

I’ve been afraid to tell you this for fear that you may give up hope. That you may not believe that what I teach actually works.  

But I will tell you is that it does.  Each time I feel grief creeping back in, I know how to lean into it, figure out the root cause of the feeling or trigger and then work on it. 

I’ve had to figure it all out myself.  To piece together what I learned in therapy, in my spiritual courses and programs, through my research, and trial and error.  And that takes time.   

But I’ve chosen all the best pieces and woven them together into a program that is going to help you heal SO much faster than I did.  You can find it at Release the Pain of Miscarriage in 6 Weeks.

I hope you’ve found some value in today’s episode.  Tell me in the comments, what resonated the most?  

References from this episode:

Sheri Johnson