If you’ve been been asking yourself, “why me?” after your miscarriage, I know you are still in victim mode. And that’s okay.
Victim mentality is a phrase that is tossed around a lot and it’s supercharged. No one wants to be told they have a victim mentality.
So up front, I want to say, that this is not about shaming you if you find yourself falling into the victim mentality trap after I show you how to self-identify. You ARE a victim, after all.
You HAVE been through a traumatic experience and it’s okay to be a victim for a while. It’s healthy to care for yourself, to rest, to cry.
If it becomes a pattern though or goes on too long, it doesn’t serve you. It leaves you powerless to change or shift your mindset and that’s in your control.
So what even is victim mentality? It happens when you give away your power.
You’re asking yourself at least one of these three questions:
- When is it my turn?
- Why me/ why did this happen to us?
- When is this going to be over/when is this going to get better?
It makes you feel:
- That you’ll never get what you want, a feeling of hopelessness
- A sense of self-blame, that you’ve done something to deserve this
- A feeling that you have no control, that you just have to wait it out
You are not alone if you have been asking these questions yourself or fallen prey to any of these feelings. I asked myself many of these questions and I played some of them on repeat.
In fact, I asked these questions throughout my life, now that I look back. I remember all throughout my 20’s, watching my girlfriends find boyfriends, get engaged, get married. I’d ask myself, when will it be my turn? I’d tell myself, maybe I don’t deserve it.
And then again in my 30’s, I watched them all get pregnant and have children. I asked, when will it be my turn?
And when I finally got pregnant at 39, and then at 41 and 42, I lost all three babies and asked, why me? Why did this happen to us? When is this going to be over so I can get back to being normal again? I started to think that I’ll just never be happy. Good things never happen to me. I resented all the people who had families.
There are countless other times over the course of my life, that I’ve fallen prey to this sort of mentality. What I didn’t know until recently is that emotional pain can really disrupt your sense of control and lead to feelings of helplessness.
But I think what you really want to feel is that sense of control.
A sense that you have some influence over your life.
And you CAN. You have far more control over how you feel than you may realize. You don’t have to wait for your circumstances to change. It’s possible to empower yourself.
This is a huge topic so I’m really just skimming the surface here.
Here are 7 tips for empowering yourself after a miscarriage:
1. Become aware.
Lean into the sentences I read earlier and be honest with yourself. Where in your life are you blaming someone else, the Universe or life for what you’re going through? You’ll know if you’re feeling a sense of helplessness. Or hopelessness. It’s totally okay if you do. This is not an invitation to judge yourself. Once you become aware, you can do something about it.
Maybe none of the questions resonate and this isn’t for you. But I’m willing to bet that you’ve recognized this in someone else – someone who is playing a victim in your life, probably unknowingly.
2. Be kind to yourself!
Something I learned from Psychology Today author Nancy Colier in her article on victim mentality: when you’re blaming the universe and life for your suffering, you’re not actually attending to your suffering or helping yourself feel better. By claiming the victim role, you are intensifying your pain. With victim identity in play, you’re not only suffering because of whatever happened, you’ve now added to that suffering the fact that you don’t get what others get, because you’re cursed, life and everyone in it is out to get you, or that God or the universe hates you.
3. Forgive forgive forgive!
When you are in victim mentality, you are hanging onto bitterness because of what other people have or what you didn’t get to have. It’s a feeling that you’ve been wronged and that requires forgiveness.
4. Take action towards a solution
Victims don’t seek solutions. They wait. Instead of waiting for life to get better, take life by the reigns and make it better. Be open to possibility and go searching for the solution that is going to help you feel better.
5. Take a lesson from Wayne Dyer who says, “instead of asking, why is this happening to me, ask how could this be happening for me?”
Life can be an entirely different experience when you look at every circumstance – even those that you perceive as negative – and ask, how could this be happening FOR me? That little shift is golden.
You can also add to that, I don’t know if this is a bad thing yet. Because sometimes the Universe will reveal to you, in time, that you dodged a bullet, that it was actually saved you.
6. Start creating the life you desire.
Take control. Say no to what you don’t want to do, say no to what you don’t want in your life. Say yes more often to what makes you feel good. To what you do want in your life.
Listen to episode #41 for tips on how to create boundaries for yourself.
7. Create a mantra and say it every day: I am the creator of my life and I am choosing to create the life I truly desire.
Now that you know what victim mentality is and how it may be affecting your life, I’d love to know which of these 7 tips for moving into empowerment resonated with you the most? Which one will you try?
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References from this episode:
Nancy Colier’s article in Psychology Today: Are You Ready to Stop Feeling Like a Victim?
Episode #41: 4 Tips for Setting Boundaries After a Miscarriage